Hey y’all! Let me start by restating how hard yesterday’s blog was for me. This one almost didn’t happen due to the trauma I experienced yesterday. However, I have it to do. So…
This is the third blog in what has become a series. It was not my original intent to do a series. I just wanted to share my journey on health. How 2022 was a year that I saw a great improvement in my physical health. However, it was plain that I could not share it all in one blog. Too many words sometimes keeps me from reading all someone has written. I did not want to be one of those writers. I wanted to share my story to offer hope for others that find their selves in some of the bondage I was in.
I closed yesterday with a note on the name and why I keep going with it despite still having reservations with it. Obedience. Not my favorite word. It demands something of me. It puts responsibility on me. As a wounded person, I did not want responsibility. At least not for me. Not for my stuff. I found it was easier to take responsibility for how others felt. So I thought. I am finding that a major part of my stress was worrying about what others thought. Even writing blogs, I spent time trying to make sure the people reading them would understand, not be discouraged or get the wrong idea from what I wrote. Too much pressure. And it’s not my responsibility. I am simply called to share my story. What you do with what I share is completely up to you.
This brings me to the next leg of this blog. The three (3) parts of the human makeup. The spirit, the soul and the body. I am not going to get deeply theological here as that is not my forte’. I just want to share what I have learned on my journey.
The spirit. This is what God created in His image. It is the place where God communicates with us. Spirit to spirit. The Bible tells us He must be worshiped in spirit and truth. I have found that what I have the hardest time with, is hearing the Spirit of God. The noise from my soul is too loud. This area is the greatest learning curve for me.
The soul. This is what sets us apart from all the rest of creation. The soul is where we experience the emotions of life. The good and the bad. The soul is what we are continuously trying to satisfy. I have tried a lot of different things to satisfy the soul. Love, money, drugs, people, books, shoes, clothes. The list is long. The satisfaction is short. It’s like buying something you’ve wanted for a long time and finally getting it. It’s awesome. The euphoria of getting it releases all kinds of great body drugs and it feels great. Then the drugs wear off. The new wears off. The old dissatisfaction returns. We find the next thing that will make us feel good and we pursue it. Repeat this many times over the course of a life and you can see that the soul seems to never be satisfied. So, I repeat this process again and again and again. Never experiencing the peace I am looking for.
The body. The physical house the spirit and soul abide in. Sounds grownup, doesn’t it? What I have learned through this 2022 health journey is that the soul has a huge impact on the body. The wounds of the soul will have physical manifestations in the body. I was working on the body with my nutritionist. What I found is that the spirit and the soul must be addressed also.
As I said, I am not going to get deeply theological. Not my strong suit. I am going to say that if the only issue you address is the body, you will only realize partial health. That has been demonstrated to me with the name, Snappy Bitch. The anxiety over the name has actually affected me physically. I have a great imagination. I can dream vividly all the negative responses and comments other will have because of the name. That hurts my heart. My soul. They are the same thing. They are the center of what we think, feel and believe. God used this to show me how much I let outside forces determine my “happiness.” When I took responsibility for their response, I gave them the power to determine how I felt. Having gone down this road for a while now, I can say that very few people, if anybody, has any real ability to do this. Honestly. Nobody is smart enough, knowledgeable enough, I am going to say it, nobody has enough brains or insight to determine how I should feel. They are simply like me. They focus on others because they are too weak to work on themselves. I said it. It was hard to say. The truth is sometimes hard to say. And yes, that is the snappy bitch part of me saying it. The part of me that wants the conversation to begin. To get honest. To get real. To take off the mask.
How arrogant do we have to be to assume we know what is best for someone else. What makes us think we have God’s insight into a person that somehow, we know what’s best for them? Read that again. There is the other side of that same coin also. We believe if someone would just change their selves our world would be better. This is opening a box of worms for me. I may pick this up later. It is intense for me right now. Rant over for now.
Bear with me as I share my journey. It is hard. It brings up emotions I don’t like. It makes me feel vulnerable. That is not a feeling I enjoy. Not even a little bit. It makes me feel exposed. I do not like to feel exposed. My childhood trauma creates…well it hurts. Deep. This series of blogs has opened some wounds. Funny thing about wounds, you think you’re healed and then snap, they are open again. The hurt starts all over again. It has.
I will continue this tomorrow. After I have time to recover. I am wounded and exhausted. Time to rest.
Okay, bye for now.
Delisa (with Carr)