Sometimes things collide. There’s a crash and stuff happens. Sometimes it’s messy and sometimes it’s not. As a healing walking wounded person, I have started to see how things that come into my world affected me and still do. Some things trigger me, and some things bring me joy. The problem is I don’t seem to be able to control how they hit me.
If you are following me on Facebook and Instagram, (page names will be at the bottom of this blog as well as on the website itself) I have posted about two phrases that I use on Carr with astonishing frequency. They are “More Words” and “Stop Talking.” I know, they seem to be a contradiction in terms.
“More Words.” I spew these words when I feel like there are not enough details to analyze what is being said. A major part of my defense strategy growing up was to make sure I had every detail about something so I could plan (control) how it was going to affect me.
Changing gears here. A phrase my husband has taught me to use when a thought blows into my mind that I am convinced needs to come out immediately, even if it has nothing to do with the conversation at hand. See, more words to explain something because I have a fear of saying something wrong. Really? I’m laughing at myself right now because I don’t know how to get back to what I wanted to say that was changing gears.
So, I took a test that gave me an interesting diagnosis. It said I suffer from analysis paralysis. I know it was true. I analyze almost everything that people tell me from the standpoint of what do I need to do to protect myself. This means that when the details are sparse, I need “More Words.” It also affects me the other way and the person needs to “Stop Talking.”
Changing gears back to “More Words.” One of the agreements I made to cover the real reason I wanted “More Words” (control) was that I was really interested in the story. While this did have some truth in it, the real reason I wanted the extra details was protection.
Why did I need protection? In the abusive home I grew up in, knowledge was power. The more knowledge you had about something, the better you could protect yourself. When you’re a kid and do not know where or when the attacks are coming, you want to have all the protection you can.
A second reason for knowing more details was to judge my situation. When you have someone who has a worse situation than you do, it’s a little easier to tolerate your own. In that same vain, if someone had a way better situation than you did, you could dream that one day your world might be like theirs. Both were hard on me and had no idea the damage I was doing to myself operating this way.
Help is offered. Usually by my husband. He speaks truth to me. He loves me. I know both of those things to be true. BUT! The truth is a direct attack on my defense mechanisms and therefore a direct attack on me. I had vowed that nobody would get close enough to hurt me. I had made agreements on operations to protect myself. These became part of me. To attack them was to attack me. Hence, “Stop Talking,” was spoken with much passion and much volume. To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement.
So, “Stop Talking!” Remember my analysis paralysis? This kicked in when I was hearing something I felt I could not understand or when truth was being spoken to me. Stories and truth could overwhelm me by themselves. Now add in analysis paralysis and I really do not have words to describe the amount of fear and anxiety that came over me in those times. All that would come to me was to shout, “Stop Talking!”
While Snappy Bitch is the company, the sayings we put on our merchandise is the story behind the company. I am still learning all the “stuff” that goes into running a company. I am learning to market my wares. I know that not everyone is comfortable carrying something that has THAT word on it. I am learning to not take that personally. I am learning that overnight success comes only to a few and that this is going to take time and perseverance to succeed.
The greatest lesson I am learning is that God sees me. He loves me. He knows all my fears. All my dreams. All my hurts. All my joys. I am learning this through the healing that has and is ongoing. I am learning to be okay in my own skin. Can I just say that’s hard.
Okay, bye for now. 😊
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