Hey y’all! New day. New attitude. Sort of. I am better having arrived at home. Home has order. Sort of. It has the rest of the things I hold dear. My trinkets, my memorabilia, my stuff. It brings me some measure of comfort.
Yesterday, I shared the Thanksgiving weekend and all the “fun” we had. I shared with you the revelations we got when we begin to ask the hard questions of ourselves. Then we had to be ready for the hard answers.
Order. A stark contrast to the chaos that my life has been for most of my years. I shared a post yesterday on my Facebook page, Conversation Begins, from a lady that addressed stress and the constant tenseness that has been my existence. Order. A word that had little meaning to me. Yet, a word that is beginning to bring some semblance of that word to my world, order. To be exact, the chaos is beginning to disappear. That feels weird. Out of order. So, the one thing you need to know about this part of my journey is that bringing things into order feels very out of order.
The second thing you need to know is the role God plays in my world. God has been bashed and trashed by the religious systems we have all known. In my world also. He has been turned into a troll that is looking to punish you any and every time you get out of line. He has been painted as a fairy godmother, looking to give you the prosperity you deserve. He has been given sentimentality so He’s more like us and we can relate to Him. So much teaching about One that few actually know. I know Him and He knows me. I am seen by Him in all my mess and loved, in spite of the fact that I fail so often.
That brings me back to order and the primary issue with order. God. If you believe in God, that’s good. But it’s not good enough. The Bible says even the demons believe and they shutter. God is more than a being sitting in heaven waiting to bless you when you’re good and bust you when you’re bad. He is a Father. The Father. The Father most of us seem to not have had.
The crazy thing is, He doesn’t need me for anything. Really. Anything. He wants me. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that one. Sometimes I don’t even want myself. Why would the Creator of the universe want me? Weird. Huh?
So how does order fit into my healing? Long story. I’ll make it short here as it will be spoken of in other pieces in my Facebook and Instagram posts, as well as more here in the blog. When you grow up in chaos it is hard to know what order looks like. This is where the castles I have shared about come in. We create an order in our minds to combat the pain and abuse we live in. I don’t know about you, but I do not create order very well. My order looks more like spaghetti noodles in the pot boiling. Just a bunch of bubbles and slippery noodles. Nothing to really hang on to and nothing I want to stick my hand in.
Yuck! This is the part I have fought my whole life. Order comes through authority. I know. Not a pleasant word for most of us. That’s because we have seldom, if ever, seen authority properly walked in. Add in the ridiculousness of the world and boom. Chaos. Lots and lots of chaos. Now we drop all that chaos onto our child selves, and we have no skill sets to deal with that. So, authority becomes the enemy. Parents, teachers, the law. They all seem to be beating us into submission.
This is why we give God sentimentality. So, we can make sense out of the chaos. The issue is we believe God feels like we do. Vengeful. Angry. Hurt. Abandoned. God feels none of these things as He is complete within Himself. Unlike us. We are not complete at all. We are a broken, chaotic mess. And He came into our mess to show us Himself. Jesus. Yes, the most controversial figure in the world today. Not going into all that nonsense. If you are familiar with the gospels, you know that Jesus hung out with the outcasts. The prostitutes, the tax collectors, the infirmed. The fringe of society. The wounded. And he was gentle with them. Firm, but gentle.
Order and Authority. Shown fully in Jesus. He came to show us the Father. That was His mission. Yes, the cross was a part, but even in that, we see the Order and Authority I am talking about. Jesus said he only did what he saw the Father doing and only said what he heard the Father saying. Wow. That means that Jesus did not do what he wanted. What felt good. What brought him happiness. He submitted to Authority.
Even in the garden before the cross. Jesus asked three times for the cup to be taken from him. He asked for a different way to carry out the plan. No other option was presented, so he simply says, “not my will but Yours be done.” Order. That order is what gives me hope. I can be more than I have been, and I can move from chaos into order.
That is what Jesus brings. Order.
Oh, one last thing. God exists!
Okay, bye for now.
Delisa